Phileo love and the importance of friendships

Many of us, if we were to take a second and think, we would be able to think of at least one or two friendships we have had in our lifetime that have helped us through difficult seasons. Friendships that we have been able to lean on, that have severely shifted how we were able to get by in a particular season. Friendships that were different than regular acquaintances that come and go, but rather have an unspoken sense that they were there for the long haul. I think we can all agree there is a specialness in those types of friendships, and it can be something we long for when we don’t have.This type of relationship is referred to as phileo love in the Greek language.

The English language only has one word for love, it’s just ‘love’. There may be synonyms for this word, like affection or fondness. But they don’t refer to anything specifically different, they are practically interchangeable. In the Greek language, are four different types of love- agape, storge, eros and phileo. These four words give distinct definitions that delve deeper into love, beyond just the English language’s general definition. Agape refers to the unconditional and sacrificial love given by our father and the love he wants us to intentionally show to all his people. Storge refers to affectionate, unforced love given naturally to those closest to you. Eros love refers to sexual or passionate love, meant to be felt in a marriage relationship. And then there is phileo love. This love refers to the love between friends- it is a very strong love, one where you love the other as yourself. In a sense, it can be even deeper than agape love because it’s not just loving someone because we’re called to, it’s loving them because we are fond of them. We love them because, relationally, we love being in their presence and we delight in who God made them to be. It is mentioned in the bible that Jesus had this kind of relationship with Peter (John 21,15-17). And again between Jonathan and Daniel (1st Samuel 18:1-3). I think that’s so awesome. God wanted for us to have that kind of support and for us to be able to lean on one another through the formation of that kind of bond. He also called us to enjoy our lives. So it makes sense that he would want us to enjoy our relationships! I believe our God is very fond of friendships and the love formed between them, and that’s such a beautiful thought to ponder.

In my younger years, friendships were rocky. I wasn’t a very good friend to others and when I tried to make other friends I found that they weren’t nice to me either. I would come home crying because I was left out of plans, there was drama that I didn’t understand. I felt hurt, rejected and unloved because of these toxic ‘friendships’. I think some went through this more than others, but I think we all know what that feels like to an extent. We’ve all been left out, or had some feeling of rejection from someone you considered a friend. Before entering junior high, I prayed. I had a prayer journal I would write prayers to God in. This particular journal I still have to this day, and I look back and reread some of the entries and I just become so enamored and in awe of the goodness of our father. In one of my entries, I asked God for new friends. And I prayed for the friends that I had that weren’t particularly the best. I lifted it up, and in return I was comforted. So, entering junior high I found that I had English class with a couple friends I knew from a school I had gone to prior to the couple that I struggled in. We mingled in class, and eventually started eating lunch together, and BOOM friends!! God had answered my prayers, because He is faithful. I, having the mom that I did, knew His goodness and knew that if I prayed for something he would be faithful to give. Psalm 37:4 reads, “delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” I had this scripture up in my room and I would read and lean on it heavily. Through the feelings of rejection, I was able to delight in Him and who He is. Because of this, He was faithful to His word and gave me amazing friends. I believe He had my mom pick out that specific scripture so I could lean on Him during that time, learn that lesson, and gain those friends because He knew I was going to need them. He prepared me and equipped me, and I didn’t even realize at the time how important all of this was going to be for me and my next years. These friendships were the start of something big God was going to do. Through the grace of God, this friend group lasted all through junior high and high school. We all remained close and supported each other through all the boy heartaches, drama and hardships in our family and personal lives. We all went through some pretty rough and dark times, but we had each other. After my mom passed in 2017, the grief and pain I felt losing someone as special and amazing as my mom was incredible. Having them there for me to talk to was such a comfort. It can be hard sometimes to know what to say to someone, but their words, no matter how big or small, were big for me. They weren’t all believers at the time, but God still used them to help me through the toughest parts of that season. They looked at old pictures with me and just sat with me while I felt whatever was demanding to be felt. I cried and talked and they listened and hugged me. Just their very presence filled me with gratitude. They all attended the funeral along with some of their own family members. In the months following, they held me whenever I needed to cry, they came over whenever I didn’t want to be alone, they supported me with their kind words and actions. But the most impactful action they did was start going to church with me.

One of my friends during this time specifically invited me to a church where she had been wanting to go to the youth service but didn’t want to go alone. I remember going with her the Sunday right after my mom passed and it was life changing. The presence of God that fell over me and how my friend was just holding my while I cried was something different. Amidst the others around me I didn’t know, having her arm around me, having her next to me, and having the strong presence of God fill the deepest parts of my heart that were left cracked was the most amazing thing ever. It was warm. It was like I felt myself healing internally. I would have never had that encounter with the Lord if my friend hadn’t invited me or been there for me. I’ll never ever forget it. From there, her and I started going to church every Sunday and sometimes Wednesdays. And it started to grow. One more friend would come, and then another and another. At first they came just to support me, but then I think it became something more for them too. We would go to small groups Sunday mornings before the main services and in these small groups we all began to learn who God is. I began to see Him work in each of their hearts. They began to receive His love, and it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever witnessed. These people, who I cared about deeply, and who had been there with me through everything, began to know their creator! Like, wow. Seeing God in them speak in the conversations and seeing their heart postures in worship and how they accepted Him. It was amazing. And it filled my heart, my heart that was still handling the weight of grief and loss. I was able to plant seeds in their hearts and I eventually had a friend who got baptized! She gave her life to Him and accepted the Holy Spirit into her heart. Though my mom’s death was tragic, ultimately it became a blessing to my life because I got to witness how God used the situation to advance His kingdom with one more soul saved! All of heaven rejoiced seeing that happen, including my Mom. Isn’t that just so beautiful ?? God wants us to have friendships, He really does. But He also wants us to rely on His comfort first and set our eyes on things eternal. I’m so grateful for the friends He brought into my life. I'm grateful for all the seeds planted. And I’m especially grateful for the seed I got to see watered. Now, I not only had an awesome friend, but I had a friend I could confide in for all things spiritual. Now we’re able to bring our father in heaven into our trials, working together to advance the kingdom even more! This is ultimately what He wants to use these relationships for, and my story is testament to that. So that’s the importance of friendships- to carry one another’s burdens, confide in one another to help each other flourish, have fun, AND bring people to their eternal salvation in heaven. This is part of the Butterfly Life God wants for us and all we have to do is pray. And He will allow His will to be done in and through your friendships, and it will be amazeballs.